I just finished reading I Married Adventure by Luci Swindoll. There is a excerpt/paragraph that reminds me of how I used to live, she writes, "The soul in each of us is imprisoned until it is set free by Jesus Christ. We all have shells around us, protecting us from being eaten alive by the pain of life. And when those shells break, we believe we are at grave risk of being hurt, depressed, or even dying on the spot. To prevent this pain & loss, we guard ourselves by retreating deeper and deeper into our shells; being available to what is pleasant, predictable, and safe."
This is me or may I say this was me. I often thought of myself as a turtle who came out only to eat and to enjoy the 'safe' people around me. And when I feared trouble was in the air, which was quite often, I would retreat back into the safety of my shell. I played a game of cat and mouse. I didn't come out very often for I was afraid of how people would treat me. I wore several different masks on the outside and hid the real me on the inside. I wanted people to like me, but I thought I had to earn their love and respect.
Luci goes on to say, "I have been willing to be vulnerable to the truth about myself, to admit selfishness, and behavior problems. Problems that I have created with other people; but destructive to my own soul. I have been penetrating and tearing the walls down and lifting/raising the roofs off my feelings. I must stay connected to my body, spirit, and soul; but yet stay out of the way; all the while paying complete attention to the present and NOT the past. Living fully in the present must start deep within as we allow the self-protective shell to break open so the liberating Grace of God can flow in to heal and renew and establish genuine meaning in our lives."
I have had to relearn just about everything I had been taught when it came to dealing with people. I first had to relearn what it meant to "trust." It took the longest to learn, but when it finally hit me, all the other pieces fell away. I am grateful for those people who took time out of their lives to help me find mine. Thank you.
