What God Says...

"Tell me, once again, who I am to You, that I belong to You . . ."

A song that has been touching my heart lately is "Remind Me Who I Am" by Jason Gray.  One of the great things I have learned through Celebrate Recovery is that I am no longer the person I used to be.  Jesus says I am a new creation!  Where the world has labeled me, criticized me, and condemned me . . . Jesus has loved me, accepted me, and changed me!

The world calls us, "addict," "alcoholic," "co-dependent," "victim," etc. . . Jesus calls us, "children," "beloved," "chosen people."

The world tells us we are guilty . . . Jesus tells us we are forgiven!

The world tells us to get even, hold grudges, and refuse to forgive . . . Jesus tells us that He will help us to forgive others.

The world says, "You're gonna pay for that!" . . . Jesus says, "I already did."

The world looks at us with hatred, contempt, and condemnation . . . Jesus looks at us with love, grace, and compassion.

Too often we can get caught up in how the world sees us and what the world tells us.  If we have turned our lives and wills over to God, all we need to be concerned with is how He sees us and what He tells us!

Hello My Name Is … Free Indeed

Hello My Name Is … Free Indeed | The Waters Church

I am free. Indeed. :-)

Grief.

Grief.

Having lost several friends + a grandmother over the last year and a half, it seems as if my grieving process is somewhat stuck. And so....

Some days I feel like I can't breathe.  Most days I feel like a cloud hangs over me. Sometimes this cloud is mostly unnoticeable. Sometimes this cloud pours down on me while it seems everyone around me goes about their day bathed in sunlight.

Some days I feel invisible.  Sometimes I feel so sad that I think I will be crushed under the weight of this.  And sometimes I wonder if part of me will be sad forever.

I have to come to understand so much more about grief in these last few months (and years) than I ever wanted to.  While I am always grateful for the opportunity to connect more with people, to really understand them, the truth is - I don't really want to learn this. Not this way.

And yet here I am. Plodding along.  Asking God to help me grieve well, to leave no stone unturned.  I want to do this well. Not necessarily in a pretty way, but I want to grieve healthy, and to glorify God as I grieve.

So I ask this question over and over again: "God, where are you in all of this?"

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 says, "We are cracked and chipped from our afflictions on all sides, but we are not crushed by them.  We are bewildered at times, but we do not give in to despair. We are persecuted, but we have not been abandoned. We have been knocked down, but we are not destroyed. We always carry around in our bodies the reality of the brutal death and suffering of Jesus.  As a result, His resurrection life rises and reveals its wondrous power in our bodies as well."

I may feel like the air is knocked out from me and the rain pours down, but I will not be destroyed.
I may feel invisible, but I am not abandoned.
I may feel like this grief is weighing down on me, but I will not be crushed by it.
And I may be sad, but I do not give into despair.

"God, where are You in all of this?"

God often speaks to me through the lyrics of music. I was recently introduced to a new song. The bridge says:
Love unfailing.
Never shaken.
Hope awakens in You.

So as I go through the stages of grief, I will question God.  I've learned that it's OK to be sad. And to eat (gluten-free!) cookies. And to cry - to cry until I feel like I can't cry anymore. Along this journey, I'll definitely have opportunities to talk it out and walk the process of grief.  My God is big enough to handle whatever I may feel about Him or say to Him in that process.

But know that you do not stand on shaky ground.  And however shaky you might feel, there is a Truth bigger than how you and I feel.  We are wrapped up in a love that does NOT fail.  A LOVE that is NOT shaken by tragedy, by loss, by sickness, or by death. And from that love....from THAT love, springs HOPE.

Song from Hillsong Young & Free -  Love Goes On
http://youtu.be/0mBm_Fy0Dro

Endure.

EXHAUSTION.

Such a strong word.

But behind it's meaning....such fragility.

I see sweat, tears, pain, aching muscles, tired legs, worn feet, rough hands, empty eyes.

I feel nothing.

It's to this point of exertion that I am numb, without feeling, emotion, responsibility.

Nothing registers.

How dangerous....

But I feel as if I could wander for days amidst this lack of substance.  I am so worn that I have blended into the mix. On autopilot.  

I no longer see the boundary, the finish line, it is long gone.

I see no reason in rest.

No justification in ceasing.

No benefit to discontinue the next step forward.

How long will it last?

I cannot sleep, for fear of the terror that awaits my subconscious.

The agonizing terrors of my inner most fears that only awaken should I retire my last defense.

The screams, and the darkness that haunt the one place I have left as my comfort; my only source of stability, reason, and motivation; continue to poison me. 

I fall.....and fall, and tug at all I have left to save me, but to no avail.

Still I fall. 

Unsure as to when I'll reach the bottom.

Or what lies at the ends of this depth.

I find no comfort in eating.

I consume less and less every day.

It worries me, but I can only force myself so much before I become nauseated. 

It frustrates me so.

I have nothing to fuel me, and so much remains to be done.

Alone time is what hurts the most.

I see to waste away in the emptiness.

I sometimes think better in the company of others. 

I cannot remove my concentration from my surroundings unless I feel safe.

And sometimes I do not feel safe alone. 

No one else desires company in the ways I do

So I deal with solitude as best as I can, but unfortunately I can only last so long at this point.

I'm not sure what makes me so fragile.

I can't explain where my strengths lie waiting.

It only takes so much for them to be exposed. 

And yet it takes so little to send them retreating back behinds my doubts.

My goal is the be the person I am, when I feel safe, all the time. 

I shouldn't change based on my surroundings.

I am strong enough.

Self-doubt has set me in terrible circumstances thus far.

Why continue?

Here I go.

Step one....

How long will I last? 

No really. I'm fine. NOT!

I'm tired of people asking me how I am, only to turn & run when they see the frown upon my face.  So instead, I put on my "oh, I'm fine" face.  Fine in the sense that I'm feeling f**ked up, insecure, neurotic, & emotional.  Of course, I'm not fine, I'm not okay...but I can't seem to get the words out.  And you can't see the pain I'm in or rather refuse to see it.  You don't see how I cry to my self in solitude, the silence around me is deafening, while every part of my being screams out.  Screams out to be heard, to be listened to, to be included, not an outcast, but to be loved.  You say that I am loved, but I don't feel it.  And sometimes I certainly do not see it.  You say that I should love myself because I've been "fearfully & wonderfully made."  What you don't know is that I don't believe that. Or better yet, I don't believe that for myself.  I'd put on that happy face for you, maybe. But its just a facade, a mask.  I grew up learning not to have faith in words or in people, because they hurt you. Deeply.  So, yeah, I've got some self-worth issues to work on. Yes, I'm slowly learning to build trust again, to not burn bridges and run for the hills. Although, today, I would rather run for the hills.
To conquer head on is quite difficult.  I've quit at just about everything that I thought I could do.  Only to fail miserably.  Epic Failure. Quitter. Don't dream big, you'll only fail.  I'm trying really hard not to relapse on the self-injury.  But my soul is numb. My body is ramped up on anxiety and it's exhausting.