I'm tired of people asking me how I am, only to turn & run when they see the frown upon my face. So instead, I put on my "oh, I'm fine" face. Fine in the sense that I'm feeling f**ked up, insecure, neurotic, & emotional. Of course, I'm not fine, I'm not okay...but I can't seem to get the words out. And you can't see the pain I'm in or rather refuse to see it. You don't see how I cry to my self in solitude, the silence around me is deafening, while every part of my being screams out. Screams out to be heard, to be listened to, to be included, not an outcast, but to be loved. You say that I am loved, but I don't feel it. And sometimes I certainly do not see it. You say that I should love myself because I've been "fearfully & wonderfully made." What you don't know is that I don't believe that. Or better yet, I don't believe that for myself. I'd put on that happy face for you, maybe. But its just a facade, a mask. I grew up learning not to have faith in words or in people, because they hurt you. Deeply. So, yeah, I've got some self-worth issues to work on. Yes, I'm slowly learning to build trust again, to not burn bridges and run for the hills. Although, today, I would rather run for the hills.
To conquer head on is quite difficult. I've quit at just about everything that I thought I could do. Only to fail miserably. Epic Failure. Quitter. Don't dream big, you'll only fail. I'm trying really hard not to relapse on the self-injury. But my soul is numb. My body is ramped up on anxiety and it's exhausting.
