TNT Challenge

In March 2012, I started training with The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training (TNT) program to participate in a 100 mile century ride around Lake Tahoe, NV on June 3rd.  In order to ride with TNT, I would have to do my part and raise money - 75% of the funds for research and to help cover the cost of the trip. Goal: $3,900. Right now, I have a little over $300 left to raise, with the funds being due on May 18th.  God is so amazing - I mean, I've raised money to go to Costa Rica twice, but I have never raised this much money. Thank you to all my friends who have supported me in this challenge.
My very first ride (3.10.12) with the team was 24 miles - I really thought I was going to die. I could hardly make it up those "hills."  Today, as I look back over the added miles each week, it's hard, yet exciting that I have come so far in such a short time of training. I've had to cut back on my mileage/training a little due to my hands going numb while cycling - so instead of doing the 100 mile, I will be participating in the 78 mile - still quite an accomplishment. I try not to think of it very much, because they have mountains & my area (Wichita, Kansas) is relativity flat; we do have the wind to contend with, still, I'm a bit intimidated about those mountains.
It's hard to believe that in 3 short weeks, I will be there - I am scared, intimidated, queasy; yet excited.

"I will not quit, because He will not quit on me!"

RIP Mark Hoese

I am numb.  Tonight I learned on Facebook that Mark Hoese passed away over a week ago on Feb. 13th, 2012.  I met Mark at Decision Point where we were in the same therapy group.  I grew close to Mark and treated him as a brother more than a friend. Mark almost always carried a smile on his face and had a knack at helping in cheering me up (when I didn't feel like being cheered up).  He was a HUGE Packers fan and he was always ravin' about how great they were.  I will never forget the Packers/Bears NFC Playoff game ('11), nor the Steelers/Packers Superbowl game.  Mark made a booty dance every time the Packers made a play.  The Steelers lost and Mark was pumped up!!
Oh, the memories...   He was a great guy who will be missed dearly by those who knew him.  Can't wait to see you in heaven. 

Mark J. Hoese April 06, 1986 - February 13, 2012 Services: Monday, February 20, 2012 - 3:30pm Rembs Funeral Home, Marshfield, WI

Mark J. Hoese, 25 of Marshfield died unexpectedly on Monday, February 13, 2012 in Waukesha, WI where he recently moved. Funeral services will be 3:30 pm Monday, February 20, 2012 at the Rembs Funeral Home with Pastor Dean Pingel officiating. Visitations will be from 2pm Monday at Rembs Funeral Home until time of the service. Mark was born on April 6, 1986 in Milwaukee to James and Lisa (LaFontsee) Hoese. He was a 2004 graduate of Marshfield High School and attended UW Marshfield/Wood County and UW Eau Claire. Mark was an avid Green Bay Packer fan, golfer and enjoyed pickup basketball games and disc golf. He had the gift of an incredible sense of humor and could make anyone smile and laugh. Mark is survived by his parents, James and Lisa Hoese of Marshfield brother David of Madison and his sister Kristen of Marshfield. He is further survived by his grandmother Elizabeth LaFontsee of Burnsville. MN, grandfather Karl (Audrey) Hoese of Greenfield, WI and several aunts, uncles and cousins. Mark was preceded in death by his grandmother Barbara Hoese and grandfather Lawrence LaFontsee. In lieu of flowers, please give to a charity of your choice. Condolences may be sent online to www.rembsfh.com

First Year Anniversary

Today, January 11, 2012, I’m celebrating my first anniversary. One year free of self injury.  Go me!

I thought I’d be a lot happier today, but really, all I’ve been able to think lately is, “Why did it take me this long?”

In many ways, I don’t much feel like celebrating the one year of semi-normal behavior stacked up against the many lost years of hurts and damage. I’ve lost so much along the way. But I’m making a point to note the day and reflect on all that’s happened in the past year.

As I started dealing with my problems rather than trying to stuff them and drown them and process my feelings rather than indulge in them, the year progressed really well. All kinds of good things were happening. I was making progress by leaps and bounds, and I was seeing positive, incremental changes all the time. And as the last weeks of my first year injury-free life rolled around, I felt I had finally achieved the impossible: adulthood.

The biggest thing I’ve gained in my first year of “sobriety” is self-respect. That deep chasm in my heart of hearts that nothing could fill but which I tried to fill by slicing — that’s gone. Filled and closed once and for all, and by God’s goodness alone. I no longer need the affirmation of others — don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it, but it’s icing on the cake, not the basis for my self-esteem.

The other big gain has been the ability to solve my own problems. The littlest things used to derail me. A bad day at work might lead to me taking a day off to some damage. Any sort of interpersonal anxiety would lead to a days-long bender of epic proportions and nightmarish consequences. These days, I have a lot more calm and stability than that. I deal with problems large and small head-on. I don’t panic; I solve.

Still, life lessons like those seem so basic. “Look, Ma! I have self-respect and problem-solving skills!” Aren’t those the kinds of things I should have learned in 6th grade or so?

Nevertheless, without those skills, I’d be adrift right now. I honestly can say that I am doing the very best I can at this moment with the cutting.  I stopped one bad behavior. I just did the right thing, the thing I should have been doing all along. Now it's time to move on to the next....one step at a time.

In the words of a favorite book from my childhood, “For what is a man profited if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?” (Matthew 16:26)

I’ve gained the whole world. I’ve got my life back. I’m in the passenger’s seat and God is in control. I’m continuing with my life as strong and clear-headed as anyone could be. I can’t dwell on the past, and I wish I didn’t even have to grieve. (Surprise, surprise: The recovering addict is rather won’t to avoid emotional pain.)

But no matter what — no matter what — I will not self harm. That part of my life is forever over. Knowing deep down to my foundation that regardless of any circumstance, I will be injury free — that unshakable realization is my anniversary present to myself.

And for this anniversary, that is sufficient.