Depression & Christianity

Sometimes I wonder if I can be anything other than depressed. After all, dealing with depression is a full-time job for me. It requires putting in an absurd amount of effort in order to simply survive, to do things others find natural and simple. Being diagnosed with depression and going to therapy has improved my life drastically, but in confronting my mental illness, I seem to have made it my sole identity as well. It's a battle. Being alive is a battle. Hope is a battle. Seeking help is a battle. It's a battle I've fought and lost many times. A battle I fight everyday, but a battle is just that, a battle.

Lately, I feel like I’ve lost parts of myself that used to be essential to who I was, and this is mostly because I’m not sure if those parts of me can coexist with my depression. And that doesn’t just extend to my personality but to my beliefs as well. I’ve been especially challenged in my faith. I’ve always thought of myself as Christian; there have been times where I’ve been unsure, but when it comes down to it, that’s what I believe. I love so many parts of the Christian faith, but others can be isolating. Sometimes I feel my faith doesn’t seem to take into account those with mental illness.

Earlier this summer, I was at a retreat with a church. I was listening to the speaker when suddenly the topic of depression came up. The way he saw it, depression was a lack of faith. He felt it was a consequence of a choice that I had made not to trust. Later that day, someone challenged him; he then took it back, saying that there are certain cases where that may not be true. It didn’t matter though. Not to me, at least. I could feel the guilt and shame eating away at me constantly for the next few days. It was my fault that I was depressed. I was selfish. I didn’t have faith. I was a bad person.

That wasn’t the first or last time I’ve heard mental illness categorized as a wrongdoing or sin. I don’t think Christians, or any other group of religious people, come up with these things to hurt or shame people, but they do. Instead of encouraging me to have faith, it causes me to doubt my identity and myself. Am I not allowed to be a faithful Christian and struggle with depression? Am I somehow a bad Christian for allowing my anxiety to influence some of my choices?

This is just one example of how I felt I lost a part of myself after being diagnosed with depression. Some parts that slipped away were like my faith, where I wasn’t sure how to be both depressed and something else. But I’ve come to realize that no matter what anyone else says about depression and ideals, I can make the choice for myself of who I want to be. And I can make the choice to be the same person I was before being diagnosed and face my depression at the same time.

I will not allow myself to be trapped by my diagnosis. It’s about knowing that yes, I am depressed, but that’s only a small part of who I am. I am more than just depression. I am a student, a Christian, a friend, a sister, a daughter, a confidante, and a fighter. I am talented, crafter, compassionate, sassy, empathetic, and strong.

I don’t want to continue making the mistake of allowing myself to believe that I can’t be anything other than depressed. Because if I do that, if I continue treating myself like the only thing I’m good at is being depressed, it’s highly possible that one day that’ll actually be true. And I refuse to let that happen. I haven't lost the war, but I do feel like I've lost a lot of myself, and I hope that I gain those parts back one day. But for now, I am more than my depression. And so are you.

Learning to share....

“I suffer from…” are three words I never wanted to say. I didn’t feel comfortable finishing that sentence. I felt I would be admitting that something was indeed wrong with me, and that meant I couldn’t hide it or push it away anymore. My entire life I’ve tried to run away from myself. I’d think of what was wrong, and I’d come to the conclusion that it was all of me. Nothing felt right or in place. I had these unwritten labels on me: learning disordered, depressed, socially awkward, and more. For so long those labels defined me. More importantly, I let them define me. I was terrified everyone else would see the real me, so I built walls around me to keep others out.

I developed selective mutism & learning disorder long before I developed depression. I started feeling depressed in my latter elementary/early middle school years, in part because I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my best friend anymore, but also because I was finally in those quintessential years of growth. My best friend wasn’t a good influence on me, and I know that now, but she was the only friend I had at the time; losing her meant my cover was gone. There was nowhere left to hide, no one left to run to for safety. I used her friendship to mask the fact that my learning disorder was behind my lack of developed social and communication skills. Now my disguise was gone.

After that, I kept everything inside. It was better to be what everyone wanted of me. It seemed easier despite the exhaustion I faced. I spent long nights awake and days on the brink of a breakdown. I was a mess, and I knew no one would want to deal with the chaos. Eventually life became too much to handle. I didn’t know what to do anymore, so I let a few people in my life; I’m not even quite sure why. I let my walls down to a friend who, until then, was someone I kept on the outside. She was the closest person to me, but he knew nothing at the time. We were both in our own versions of darkness. I had my mind, and he had the barrier between us.

One day we walked toward the river near our college campus. We spent many a time sitting on fallen trees and talking about life. This time was different. I finally said that something was wrong. I told her how I felt. The response was different than I expected. She didn’t run. She didn’t leave.

Everything changed that day. I was ready to build back the walls from the rubble, but I left them down. I learned that I didn’t have to live with the darkness I felt. I didn’t have to live in that pain. My story was mine, and mine alone, but I didn’t have to go through life alone. I was not the only character on this journey. In order to live my life I needed to include other people in it. Not everything was as black-and-white as I had made it out to be. I now understand that we are not alone in these dark places. We do not suffer alone. And in that regard, we do not rejoice alone. We have no reason to hide.

Ask yourself when was the last time you gave an honest, true answer to, “How are you?” I know it took a long time for me to answer truthfully or even believe that those who asked wanted a real answer other than “fine” or “good.” These days I try to be honest, not only with others but also with myself. This is my story I’m living, but these are our lives we’re sharing. I don’t shut others away anymore. I reach out for help when I find myself falling backward again. I’m not ashamed of my story anymore, and I’ve learned the importance in sharing and continuing it. While I’m still growing, I hope one day we all find such clarity. I hope you let other people listen and listen to others. I hope you tell other people how you feel and what you’re going through. I hope you believe things will be okay even when you are unsure.

New Go to Music

I have fallen in love with their words & their music.  My favorite song of theirs in "Yahweh."  When I need a pick me up or simply want to listen to soft music, this is my new go to group.  Enjoy.

Elevation Worship

Another friend gone too soon......

One of my favorite supervisors from work, Jana Davison, passed away this morning after a long battle with cancer.

You know how they say that everyone enters your life for a reason?  I wholeheartedly believe that to be true. I have met some of the most amazing people who will have a lasting impact on my life.  Each person has contributed to who I am in some way, shape, or form; and for that I am grateful.  There are certain people, though, like Jana Moss-Davison, who have a very special place in your heart.  The ones you will never forget and can't thank God enough for crossing your paths. 

I never imagined that good-bye would come so soon. Jana, you were such a great supervisor and friend. Your warm heart, your genuine compassion, and absolute care for your fellow man/woman was unmatched by anyone. I know you're completely healed now and worshiping the God who created & loved you.  And I also know that this really isn't good-bye....but until we meet again.  Godspeed Jana Moss-Davison. 

Here's her life in a nutshell: 

"We all know too well the pain, suffering, and loss caused by cancer, every so often you hear a story about someone’s cancer experience that just leaves you speechless and, if you didn’t know it to be true, you wouldn’t believe it. It’s just too awful and unfair. For me, that’s Jana’s story.

Cancer’s relentless presence in Jana’s life started when she was a child when she lost her mother to cancer and watched many other dear relatives succumb to the disease. Later, as an adult she and her husband experienced the devastating loss of their 3-year old son, Devon, to brain cancer. And, as if cancer had not reaped enough heartache in her life, it came back to haunt Jana again that very same year of losing her son – this time as a personal diagnosis of breast cancer. Jana faced this diagnosis with a fierce determination and won. Sadly, her battle against cancer didn’t end there. Jana went on to face three more different cancer diagnoses over the past 10 years.

No doubt, Jana’s story can be described as tragic. But, I think her story is best described as heroic and inspiring because of her gracious style and amazing attitude. Throughout her journey, Jana remained a positive force with a depth for forgiveness and understanding and warrior approach to get through everything that came her way. It’s clear that Jana was far more than a colleague, she was our friend and one of the most dedicated and inspiring people many of us in the OCFO and at ACS have ever had the privilege to know.

Jana has touched my life in an unexpected way and I will always be grateful that I crossed paths with her.

Jana is survived by her husband, Durand, and their daughters, Haven and Mellini. 

It’s at times like this that we are reminded of the importance of our mission and it is my hope that you all understand the vital role you all play in helping those affected by this disease. Jana often talked about the difference the ACS made in her life and her son’s and she could not have been more proud of the role she played to support our shared mission and her teammates.

Please join me in keeping Jana and the rest of her family in your thoughts and prayers.

Jana, you are such a very special person and I will never forget you, your story, your spirit or your soul. You are indeed a hero and will be with me (and many others) forever. In my opinion, one of the characteristics of a true leader is to inspire others in ways you will never actually know yourself. Thank you for playing an important role in my personal development - you inspire me to be a better person."

-Life in a nutshell & following is from email sent out to everyone at ACS

In front of me stands HOPE!

Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exist, that I matter to Him, and the He has the power to help me recover. "Happy are those who Mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

Step 2: I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." (Philippians 2:13)

                                                     ---------------------------------------------------

When I first came to Celebrate Recovery, not only was I full of shame, but I felt I was hopeless. I believed that I had fallen too far from grace since I felt there was no way a Christian could knowingly continue in sin in over-indulgence.  That burden of hopelessness was too much carry. It paralyzed me during the beginning stages of my recovery.  

But God is faithful and He wrapped his arms of love around me, reminding me that he bore all of my sins - past, present, and future.  Wow. I was comforted by his peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7) as He reassured me that I was completely forgiven.  It’s difficult to comprehend, but God not only forgave me, He wiped my slate clean promising to remember my sins no more (Hebrews 8:12).  I no longer felt separated from Him because He lifted the weight of condemnation and shame.  I no longer needed to focus on the greatness of my sins.  I began to focus on the greatness of my Savior. And for the first time I began to have hope again.

My Sponsor kept challenging me not to quit before the miracle happened. That hope is what opened the door to the next level of recovery. By His grace I was finally able to forgive myself; and His grace is what kept bringing me closer and closer to Him. God is now using my story to give hope to others.

Even as I face the largest mountain that I've ever endured, there is still hope in front of me.  God promises me that He has the best intentions for me and that I still have a future (Jeremiah 29:11).  I know that I'm going to be okay because His hands are still holding me.

Change Happens When You Allow It

"Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. 

The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"  2 Corinthians 5:17

Change happens if you allow it.  I was tired of giving my past the power to bring me down. 

The shift was a learning experience for me.  Not only did it represent a change in me heart, but a significant and permanent shift in my perspective and direction. 

It was symbolic in the sense that I was truly letting go.  No longer would I dedicate my thoughts to all the pain, hurt, struggles, or hardships.  My purpose was now fixed on sharing positive things, both to myself and to other people.  I felt the urge to tell others about what God can do in the life and heart of any person regardless of anything that they may consider "too shameful" or "not good enough"......

He can take ashes and make them beautiful.
He can take what you thought was permanent damage, and turn it into a permanent purpose.

Choosing to accept God's love was HUGE. 
By doing so, I chose to believe that God loved me, that I have a purpose that exceeded far beyond the chaos that I was so wrapped in. 

Through Him, I learned how to love others appropriately. 
This was a game-changer.

Instead of refusing to shift my focus, I allowed myself to believe that there really could be another way to look at things.  I didn't have to stay stuck.  I could choose to look beyond everything that I thought I knew.  My feelings were valid, but that didn't mean that the way I saw the outcome of my struggles had to be the only way.  I chose to trust God. 

All of that pain, the scary times, the uncertainty, feelings of inadequacy, the moments I thought "defined" me as a person.......it all began to look and feel different.

God took the very same things that I hated and turned them into things that I can now say I wouldn't ever go back and change or make different.

The beautiful part is that because of every single one of the experiences that I have lived through, they have left me with a little piece of something that I can use or draw from to help someone else. 

God gives us new lives. Through His Grace, we are given a clean slate. We are no longer tied to the heavy weight of the past.  We are tied to our past and it's okay.  It's finally......okay.

We can turn around and look at all the wreckage with happy tears in our eyes and in our hearts - because that wreckage prepared us for better things.

We are now free.... to appreciate the sunsets, to smile, the friends who hold us accountable, to extend our love to strangers, and so much more.  We appreciate every morning that we wake up one day stronger  - we get to see the world in a whole new way.


....... and all this after we had been people who believed in our hearts, that we were nothing more than throw away people......


That, is beautiful.

That.........is a God thing. 

I Still See You

How you see you:

You see failure.

You see right through yourself.

You feel angry when you see what you have become.

Shame consumes you, blinding you from seeing hope for any kind of change.

You see how far you have fallen.

You see all of the destruction you have created.

You can't see your future anymore. 

You don't want anyone to see the real you. 

You wonder if anyone else can see you at all.

How "I" see you: 

I see your empty eyes that were once full of life

I see your dreams.

I see your tears.

I can see the hurt in your face.

I see the regret.

I also see your potential and all your talent.

I remember seeing your smile.

I recall the light in your being when you talked about your goals.

I can still see all of the life that you have left.

I can still see you.

How God sees you: 

Someone who can be forgiven.

Who is worthy of His kind of Love.

Somebody who is enough. 

Who is worth saving.

Who is precious.

Who is capable, through His Strength, to start over fresh, as a new person.

A person who shines.

Someone with a calling and a purpose.

You are much more than what meets the eye......

(so much more than we can even begin to comprehend).

HE sees you.

I hope that one day YOU allow yourself, to see you.......