Grief.

Grief.

Having lost several friends + a grandmother over the last year and a half, it seems as if my grieving process is somewhat stuck. And so....

Some days I feel like I can't breathe.  Most days I feel like a cloud hangs over me. Sometimes this cloud is mostly unnoticeable. Sometimes this cloud pours down on me while it seems everyone around me goes about their day bathed in sunlight.

Some days I feel invisible.  Sometimes I feel so sad that I think I will be crushed under the weight of this.  And sometimes I wonder if part of me will be sad forever.

I have to come to understand so much more about grief in these last few months (and years) than I ever wanted to.  While I am always grateful for the opportunity to connect more with people, to really understand them, the truth is - I don't really want to learn this. Not this way.

And yet here I am. Plodding along.  Asking God to help me grieve well, to leave no stone unturned.  I want to do this well. Not necessarily in a pretty way, but I want to grieve healthy, and to glorify God as I grieve.

So I ask this question over and over again: "God, where are you in all of this?"

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 says, "We are cracked and chipped from our afflictions on all sides, but we are not crushed by them.  We are bewildered at times, but we do not give in to despair. We are persecuted, but we have not been abandoned. We have been knocked down, but we are not destroyed. We always carry around in our bodies the reality of the brutal death and suffering of Jesus.  As a result, His resurrection life rises and reveals its wondrous power in our bodies as well."

I may feel like the air is knocked out from me and the rain pours down, but I will not be destroyed.
I may feel invisible, but I am not abandoned.
I may feel like this grief is weighing down on me, but I will not be crushed by it.
And I may be sad, but I do not give into despair.

"God, where are You in all of this?"

God often speaks to me through the lyrics of music. I was recently introduced to a new song. The bridge says:
Love unfailing.
Never shaken.
Hope awakens in You.

So as I go through the stages of grief, I will question God.  I've learned that it's OK to be sad. And to eat (gluten-free!) cookies. And to cry - to cry until I feel like I can't cry anymore. Along this journey, I'll definitely have opportunities to talk it out and walk the process of grief.  My God is big enough to handle whatever I may feel about Him or say to Him in that process.

But know that you do not stand on shaky ground.  And however shaky you might feel, there is a Truth bigger than how you and I feel.  We are wrapped up in a love that does NOT fail.  A LOVE that is NOT shaken by tragedy, by loss, by sickness, or by death. And from that love....from THAT love, springs HOPE.

Song from Hillsong Young & Free -  Love Goes On
http://youtu.be/0mBm_Fy0Dro