I am

I am:

a handmaiden of the Lord
saved by His grace
a worshipper
a poet
a broken heart
a lover of words
hungry for truth
amazed by love
on the Potter's wheel
His work in progress

I am:

a sold out disciple of Jesus Christ
learning more each day what it means to abide in Him
I desire to walk in radical obedience to His voice 
I pray that my life brings glory
to The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.

God honors our faith...

Proverbs 16:9 (NIV)In their hearts humans plan their course,but the Lord establishes their steps.


Lord I want to serve. Serve them.
Lord I want a home. Home is where you are.
Lord I want to make a difference. Make a difference with them.
Lord where do you want us. Where I put you.

I've been quiet and have felt like I had nothing to say.  So I didn't say anything. I needed to be quiet and do some listening.  To God. To the Holy Spirit. To Jesus.

I am some days so confused. So down. Feeling so small in my faith.  A fool. A failure. A Titus woman. A Proverbs 31 wife. Not so much. 

God honors our faith. He always has.  When we wander in the desert. When we are making idols because God seems so far away. When we strike out in anger instead of touching in love. When we forget, busy being human, that we belong to Him.

We plan. Sometimes we scheme. We dream. Sometimes we conspire. We fall. We rise. We fall again. We rise again. Each step we follow our hearts, and where are hearts are, there also is what we treasure.  When we follow our hearts to God, we find all the treasure of heaven.  

Selfish me misses things packed away. Forgetting so many have nothing. Sad me feels hurt by unthinking words. Forgetting so many have no one to speak to them.  Frustrated me wants to know what comes next. Forgetting for many the next thing is terrifyingly clear. 

Sparrows and daily bread. Have you ever thought about just those two things?  God knows where each of His creations is, how they are doing, and He knows it minute by minute. Second by second.  Daily bread. Not a week. Not a month. Daily. God expects us to work for Him. And have faith in Him. Daily. He knows us so well. And loves us still.

Lord Undo Me by Blake Williams

I read this prayer this week on FB and the words just spoke to me.  They say so much.  You decide....

“Lord Undo Me”

“I don’t really worship these day
I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs
Or prayers or actions or with anything

I am full of all the right moves
I am full of all the right words
I am full of all the right religion

But it is all just illusion

I am really
Lonely
Lost
Calloused
Jaded
Cynical
Too religious
Too realistic
and well really just to lazy
to worship you anymore

I have lost my first love
I have lost the joy of your presence
But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory

Father I need to see you again
Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory
To fall down at your feet
To come face to face with your
Perfection,
Radiance,
Goodness,
Holiness,
Awesomeness

I want to stand before you and see you for who you are
and me for who I am
I want to be undone

I want to know me for who I really am
I want to see the depths of my heart
And know that you are the only way

You are the only truth
You are the only life
I want to see me and understand
What it really must have taken for you to

Love me
Care for me
See me
Speak to me
Want me
Communicate with me
Die for me
Die for me
Die for me

Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory
And my sin
Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.

 Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
Lord, undo my heart
break down these walls that I love so much
No, wait don’t,
I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this
don’t
But I can’t live this way anymore
I can’t stand here in this half-life
this going through the motions life
this not really alive life
Father, I need you so come in and do what you must

Cut out the tumor on my heart
Break down the walls that I love
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
let me worship you again."

 ~Blake Williams

             We all have those moments, those times we get set in the motions, do what we are supposed to do, we raise our hands and lift our voices but our hearts are not in it. We do it because that’s what we have learned, or because we have allowed ourselves to forget the true reason of why we worship, the reasons why we lift our hands in praise, why we take the time to listen. We make excuses for ourselves, put up walls creating reasons why we are simply going through the motions.

           My first thought after hearing it was, "Wow!  Someone else feels the way that I feel."  Some of you may find yourself in that prayer as I did.  No, some of it may not apply but some of it does.  Sometimes we get so wrapped up in our daily routine, our life here on this earth that we often tend to place God on the backburner.  We become so separated from Him that we find it hard to get back to where we once may have been with Him.  Sometimes we feel so hallow inside that we wonder if God even cares anymore but don't lose hope...God is right where you left Him!  I pray for God to undo me, to break down my walls, take away the lost and lonely feelings that the devil has filled me with to keep me from pursuing my God! It gets hard, no one ever said it was going to be easy; the only thing we can be sure of is that no matter how many times we fall down, God will be there to pick us up; He will be there with open arms accepting us back into His love and embrace. God will never turn His back on us, even when we turn our backs on Him, He will always be there waiting. 

 We, so many times, make the wrong decisions and find ourselves out of His Will and struggle to get back to Him.  We start out with one wrong decision that leads to another then another until we have made a web of sin and deceit that we don't know which way to turn to make things right again.  Despite knowing all the right ways, we only keep making all the wrong ones.  We struggle within ourselves, wanting to feel His Presence again but there's nothing there but emptiness and misery.  We try to pray but prayers don't seem to go much further than our lips.  We try to read the Bible but its only black words on white paper.  We try to sing but that Sweet Spirit just isn't there anymore.  We try to undo ourselves but nothing seems to help.  It's at that point that we need to remember what King David wrote in Psalms 51:10-12, "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me.  Cast me not away from thy presence; and take not thy holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation; and uphold me with thy free spirit." 

Keep pursuing God and one day He will look down and see us...see us for the sinful people that we are and remember that He created us and that He loves us and that He wants to be reconciled to us.  God will start to undo that web that you spun and you will feel His Spirit again...and as you seek Him more and more, the stronger you will become in Him. 

                He knows the very intent of our hearts and will mold us to meet His Will.  Jeremiah 17:10 says, "I the Lord search the heart; I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings."  There's nothing that you go through that God doesn't see.  There's nothing that you go through that He can't bring you out of.  Sometimes it may not be in our timing but know that He has a plan and He comes right on time! 

                 I'm so thankful that God looked down and saw me...a broken shell of a person, ashamed of the sins that I had committed...and had compassion on me and gave me the forgiveness and the strength that I needed to move forward.  He saw the struggle I have in finding my place with Him and His desire for me and He responded by telling me to seek Him early and He will show me the way.  I'm putting my faith and trust in Him to guide me to be who He wants me to be.  He is undoing me to get me out of the way so that His Will can be done...even if it is one block at a time! 

TNT Challenge

In March 2012, I started training with The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Team in Training (TNT) program to participate in a 100 mile century ride around Lake Tahoe, NV on June 3rd.  In order to ride with TNT, I would have to do my part and raise money - 75% of the funds for research and to help cover the cost of the trip. Goal: $3,900. Right now, I have a little over $300 left to raise, with the funds being due on May 18th.  God is so amazing - I mean, I've raised money to go to Costa Rica twice, but I have never raised this much money. Thank you to all my friends who have supported me in this challenge.
My very first ride (3.10.12) with the team was 24 miles - I really thought I was going to die. I could hardly make it up those "hills."  Today, as I look back over the added miles each week, it's hard, yet exciting that I have come so far in such a short time of training. I've had to cut back on my mileage/training a little due to my hands going numb while cycling - so instead of doing the 100 mile, I will be participating in the 78 mile - still quite an accomplishment. I try not to think of it very much, because they have mountains & my area (Wichita, Kansas) is relativity flat; we do have the wind to contend with, still, I'm a bit intimidated about those mountains.
It's hard to believe that in 3 short weeks, I will be there - I am scared, intimidated, queasy; yet excited.

"I will not quit, because He will not quit on me!"

RIP Mark Hoese

I am numb.  Tonight I learned on Facebook that Mark Hoese passed away over a week ago on Feb. 13th, 2012.  I met Mark at Decision Point where we were in the same therapy group.  I grew close to Mark and treated him as a brother more than a friend. Mark almost always carried a smile on his face and had a knack at helping in cheering me up (when I didn't feel like being cheered up).  He was a HUGE Packers fan and he was always ravin' about how great they were.  I will never forget the Packers/Bears NFC Playoff game ('11), nor the Steelers/Packers Superbowl game.  Mark made a booty dance every time the Packers made a play.  The Steelers lost and Mark was pumped up!!
Oh, the memories...   He was a great guy who will be missed dearly by those who knew him.  Can't wait to see you in heaven. 

Mark J. Hoese April 06, 1986 - February 13, 2012 Services: Monday, February 20, 2012 - 3:30pm Rembs Funeral Home, Marshfield, WI

Mark J. Hoese, 25 of Marshfield died unexpectedly on Monday, February 13, 2012 in Waukesha, WI where he recently moved. Funeral services will be 3:30 pm Monday, February 20, 2012 at the Rembs Funeral Home with Pastor Dean Pingel officiating. Visitations will be from 2pm Monday at Rembs Funeral Home until time of the service. Mark was born on April 6, 1986 in Milwaukee to James and Lisa (LaFontsee) Hoese. He was a 2004 graduate of Marshfield High School and attended UW Marshfield/Wood County and UW Eau Claire. Mark was an avid Green Bay Packer fan, golfer and enjoyed pickup basketball games and disc golf. He had the gift of an incredible sense of humor and could make anyone smile and laugh. Mark is survived by his parents, James and Lisa Hoese of Marshfield brother David of Madison and his sister Kristen of Marshfield. He is further survived by his grandmother Elizabeth LaFontsee of Burnsville. MN, grandfather Karl (Audrey) Hoese of Greenfield, WI and several aunts, uncles and cousins. Mark was preceded in death by his grandmother Barbara Hoese and grandfather Lawrence LaFontsee. In lieu of flowers, please give to a charity of your choice. Condolences may be sent online to www.rembsfh.com

First Year Anniversary

Today, January 11, 2012, I’m celebrating my first anniversary. One year free of self injury.  Go me!

I thought I’d be a lot happier today, but really, all I’ve been able to think lately is, “Why did it take me this long?”

In many ways, I don’t much feel like celebrating the one year of semi-normal behavior stacked up against the many lost years of hurts and damage. I’ve lost so much along the way. But I’m making a point to note the day and reflect on all that’s happened in the past year.

As I started dealing with my problems rather than trying to stuff them and drown them and process my feelings rather than indulge in them, the year progressed really well. All kinds of good things were happening. I was making progress by leaps and bounds, and I was seeing positive, incremental changes all the time. And as the last weeks of my first year injury-free life rolled around, I felt I had finally achieved the impossible: adulthood.

The biggest thing I’ve gained in my first year of “sobriety” is self-respect. That deep chasm in my heart of hearts that nothing could fill but which I tried to fill by slicing — that’s gone. Filled and closed once and for all, and by God’s goodness alone. I no longer need the affirmation of others — don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it, but it’s icing on the cake, not the basis for my self-esteem.

The other big gain has been the ability to solve my own problems. The littlest things used to derail me. A bad day at work might lead to me taking a day off to some damage. Any sort of interpersonal anxiety would lead to a days-long bender of epic proportions and nightmarish consequences. These days, I have a lot more calm and stability than that. I deal with problems large and small head-on. I don’t panic; I solve.

Still, life lessons like those seem so basic. “Look, Ma! I have self-respect and problem-solving skills!” Aren’t those the kinds of things I should have learned in 6th grade or so?

Nevertheless, without those skills, I’d be adrift right now. I honestly can say that I am doing the very best I can at this moment with the cutting.  I stopped one bad behavior. I just did the right thing, the thing I should have been doing all along. Now it's time to move on to the next....one step at a time.

In the words of a favorite book from my childhood, “For what is a man profited if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?” (Matthew 16:26)

I’ve gained the whole world. I’ve got my life back. I’m in the passenger’s seat and God is in control. I’m continuing with my life as strong and clear-headed as anyone could be. I can’t dwell on the past, and I wish I didn’t even have to grieve. (Surprise, surprise: The recovering addict is rather won’t to avoid emotional pain.)

But no matter what — no matter what — I will not self harm. That part of my life is forever over. Knowing deep down to my foundation that regardless of any circumstance, I will be injury free — that unshakable realization is my anniversary present to myself.

And for this anniversary, that is sufficient.

Christmas Eve

On this chilly Christmas Eve, having just returned from a Christmas Eve service at church, my heart is heavy and I feel numb. Not a good sign I would say to myself.  As I reflect on Jesus' birth and what God has given me through His Son, it makes my heart heavy to know that there are several people out there in the world that have yet to hear this great news.  I have been asking God what He wants to do in my life...and I haven't heard the answer....yet.
I recently just finished reading God's Smuggler by Brother Andrew. It tells the life story about Brother Andrew's journey to become a missionary to smuggle Bibles into places where Christianity is banned.  You should pick up a copy today.  I received mine free from www.opendoorsUSA.org .  This is his organization that is still operating today. 
This numbness I feel - not sure why I have it right now. In the past, I was numb because I didn't want to feel the pain and hurts of life.  But I think this numbness is different. I am tired of tuning these people out. You know, the ones who don't know Him. It's like I am being numb to them. Not caring whether or not they live eternally or not. Being selfish. I don't want to live like that anymore. I want God to use me. Fully.