Today, January 11, 2012, I’m celebrating my first anniversary. One year free of self injury. Go me!
I thought I’d be a lot happier today, but really, all I’ve been able to
think lately is, “Why did it take me this long?”
In many ways, I don’t much feel like celebrating the one year of semi-normal
behavior stacked up against the many lost years of hurts and damage. I’ve lost
so much along the way. But I’m making a point to note the day and reflect on
all that’s happened in the past year.
As I started dealing with my problems rather than trying to stuff them and drown them and
process my feelings rather than indulge in them, the year progressed really
well. All kinds of good things were happening. I was making progress by leaps
and bounds, and I was seeing positive, incremental changes all the time. And as
the last weeks of my first year injury-free life rolled around, I felt I had
finally achieved the impossible: adulthood.
The biggest thing I’ve gained in my first year of “sobriety” is self-respect.
That deep chasm in my heart of hearts that nothing could fill but which I tried
to fill by slicing — that’s gone. Filled and closed once and for all, and by
God’s goodness alone. I no longer need the affirmation of others — don’t get me
wrong, I appreciate it, but it’s icing on the cake, not the basis for my
self-esteem.
The other big gain has been the ability to solve my own problems. The
littlest things used to derail me. A bad day at work might lead to me taking a
day off to some damage. Any sort of interpersonal anxiety would lead to a
days-long bender of epic proportions and nightmarish consequences. These days,
I have a lot more calm and stability than that. I deal with problems large and
small head-on. I don’t panic; I solve.
Still, life lessons like those seem so basic. “Look, Ma! I have self-respect
and problem-solving skills!” Aren’t those the kinds of things I should have
learned in 6th grade or so?
Nevertheless, without those skills, I’d be adrift right now. I honestly can
say that I am doing the very best I can at this moment with the cutting. I stopped one bad behavior. I just did the right
thing, the thing I should have been doing all along. Now it's time to move on to the next....one step at a time.
In the words of a favorite book from my childhood, “For what is a man
profited if he shall gain the whole world and lose his own soul?” (Matthew
16:26)
I’ve gained the whole world. I’ve got my life back. I’m in the passenger’s
seat and God is in control. I’m continuing with my life as strong and
clear-headed as anyone could be. I can’t dwell on the past, and I wish I didn’t
even have to grieve. (Surprise, surprise: The recovering addict is rather won’t
to avoid emotional pain.)
But no matter what — no matter what — I will not self harm. That
part of my life is forever over. Knowing deep down to my foundation that
regardless of any circumstance, I will be injury free — that unshakable
realization is my anniversary present to myself.
And for this anniversary, that is sufficient.
