In front of me stands HOPE!

Principle 2: Earnestly believe that God exist, that I matter to Him, and the He has the power to help me recover. "Happy are those who Mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

Step 2: I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity. "For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose." (Philippians 2:13)

                                                     ---------------------------------------------------

When I first came to Celebrate Recovery, not only was I full of shame, but I felt I was hopeless. I believed that I had fallen too far from grace since I felt there was no way a Christian could knowingly continue in sin in over-indulgence.  That burden of hopelessness was too much carry. It paralyzed me during the beginning stages of my recovery.  

But God is faithful and He wrapped his arms of love around me, reminding me that he bore all of my sins - past, present, and future.  Wow. I was comforted by his peace that surpasses all understanding (Philippians 4:7) as He reassured me that I was completely forgiven.  It’s difficult to comprehend, but God not only forgave me, He wiped my slate clean promising to remember my sins no more (Hebrews 8:12).  I no longer felt separated from Him because He lifted the weight of condemnation and shame.  I no longer needed to focus on the greatness of my sins.  I began to focus on the greatness of my Savior. And for the first time I began to have hope again.

My Sponsor kept challenging me not to quit before the miracle happened. That hope is what opened the door to the next level of recovery. By His grace I was finally able to forgive myself; and His grace is what kept bringing me closer and closer to Him. God is now using my story to give hope to others.

Even as I face the largest mountain that I've ever endured, there is still hope in front of me.  God promises me that He has the best intentions for me and that I still have a future (Jeremiah 29:11).  I know that I'm going to be okay because His hands are still holding me.

Change Happens When You Allow It

"Anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. 

The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"  2 Corinthians 5:17

Change happens if you allow it.  I was tired of giving my past the power to bring me down. 

The shift was a learning experience for me.  Not only did it represent a change in me heart, but a significant and permanent shift in my perspective and direction. 

It was symbolic in the sense that I was truly letting go.  No longer would I dedicate my thoughts to all the pain, hurt, struggles, or hardships.  My purpose was now fixed on sharing positive things, both to myself and to other people.  I felt the urge to tell others about what God can do in the life and heart of any person regardless of anything that they may consider "too shameful" or "not good enough"......

He can take ashes and make them beautiful.
He can take what you thought was permanent damage, and turn it into a permanent purpose.

Choosing to accept God's love was HUGE. 
By doing so, I chose to believe that God loved me, that I have a purpose that exceeded far beyond the chaos that I was so wrapped in. 

Through Him, I learned how to love others appropriately. 
This was a game-changer.

Instead of refusing to shift my focus, I allowed myself to believe that there really could be another way to look at things.  I didn't have to stay stuck.  I could choose to look beyond everything that I thought I knew.  My feelings were valid, but that didn't mean that the way I saw the outcome of my struggles had to be the only way.  I chose to trust God. 

All of that pain, the scary times, the uncertainty, feelings of inadequacy, the moments I thought "defined" me as a person.......it all began to look and feel different.

God took the very same things that I hated and turned them into things that I can now say I wouldn't ever go back and change or make different.

The beautiful part is that because of every single one of the experiences that I have lived through, they have left me with a little piece of something that I can use or draw from to help someone else. 

God gives us new lives. Through His Grace, we are given a clean slate. We are no longer tied to the heavy weight of the past.  We are tied to our past and it's okay.  It's finally......okay.

We can turn around and look at all the wreckage with happy tears in our eyes and in our hearts - because that wreckage prepared us for better things.

We are now free.... to appreciate the sunsets, to smile, the friends who hold us accountable, to extend our love to strangers, and so much more.  We appreciate every morning that we wake up one day stronger  - we get to see the world in a whole new way.


....... and all this after we had been people who believed in our hearts, that we were nothing more than throw away people......


That, is beautiful.

That.........is a God thing. 

I Still See You

How you see you:

You see failure.

You see right through yourself.

You feel angry when you see what you have become.

Shame consumes you, blinding you from seeing hope for any kind of change.

You see how far you have fallen.

You see all of the destruction you have created.

You can't see your future anymore. 

You don't want anyone to see the real you. 

You wonder if anyone else can see you at all.

How "I" see you: 

I see your empty eyes that were once full of life

I see your dreams.

I see your tears.

I can see the hurt in your face.

I see the regret.

I also see your potential and all your talent.

I remember seeing your smile.

I recall the light in your being when you talked about your goals.

I can still see all of the life that you have left.

I can still see you.

How God sees you: 

Someone who can be forgiven.

Who is worthy of His kind of Love.

Somebody who is enough. 

Who is worth saving.

Who is precious.

Who is capable, through His Strength, to start over fresh, as a new person.

A person who shines.

Someone with a calling and a purpose.

You are much more than what meets the eye......

(so much more than we can even begin to comprehend).

HE sees you.

I hope that one day YOU allow yourself, to see you.......

What God Says...

"Tell me, once again, who I am to You, that I belong to You . . ."

A song that has been touching my heart lately is "Remind Me Who I Am" by Jason Gray.  One of the great things I have learned through Celebrate Recovery is that I am no longer the person I used to be.  Jesus says I am a new creation!  Where the world has labeled me, criticized me, and condemned me . . . Jesus has loved me, accepted me, and changed me!

The world calls us, "addict," "alcoholic," "co-dependent," "victim," etc. . . Jesus calls us, "children," "beloved," "chosen people."

The world tells us we are guilty . . . Jesus tells us we are forgiven!

The world tells us to get even, hold grudges, and refuse to forgive . . . Jesus tells us that He will help us to forgive others.

The world says, "You're gonna pay for that!" . . . Jesus says, "I already did."

The world looks at us with hatred, contempt, and condemnation . . . Jesus looks at us with love, grace, and compassion.

Too often we can get caught up in how the world sees us and what the world tells us.  If we have turned our lives and wills over to God, all we need to be concerned with is how He sees us and what He tells us!

Hello My Name Is … Free Indeed

Hello My Name Is … Free Indeed | The Waters Church

I am free. Indeed. :-)

Grief.

Grief.

Having lost several friends + a grandmother over the last year and a half, it seems as if my grieving process is somewhat stuck. And so....

Some days I feel like I can't breathe.  Most days I feel like a cloud hangs over me. Sometimes this cloud is mostly unnoticeable. Sometimes this cloud pours down on me while it seems everyone around me goes about their day bathed in sunlight.

Some days I feel invisible.  Sometimes I feel so sad that I think I will be crushed under the weight of this.  And sometimes I wonder if part of me will be sad forever.

I have to come to understand so much more about grief in these last few months (and years) than I ever wanted to.  While I am always grateful for the opportunity to connect more with people, to really understand them, the truth is - I don't really want to learn this. Not this way.

And yet here I am. Plodding along.  Asking God to help me grieve well, to leave no stone unturned.  I want to do this well. Not necessarily in a pretty way, but I want to grieve healthy, and to glorify God as I grieve.

So I ask this question over and over again: "God, where are you in all of this?"

2 Corinthians 4:8-10 says, "We are cracked and chipped from our afflictions on all sides, but we are not crushed by them.  We are bewildered at times, but we do not give in to despair. We are persecuted, but we have not been abandoned. We have been knocked down, but we are not destroyed. We always carry around in our bodies the reality of the brutal death and suffering of Jesus.  As a result, His resurrection life rises and reveals its wondrous power in our bodies as well."

I may feel like the air is knocked out from me and the rain pours down, but I will not be destroyed.
I may feel invisible, but I am not abandoned.
I may feel like this grief is weighing down on me, but I will not be crushed by it.
And I may be sad, but I do not give into despair.

"God, where are You in all of this?"

God often speaks to me through the lyrics of music. I was recently introduced to a new song. The bridge says:
Love unfailing.
Never shaken.
Hope awakens in You.

So as I go through the stages of grief, I will question God.  I've learned that it's OK to be sad. And to eat (gluten-free!) cookies. And to cry - to cry until I feel like I can't cry anymore. Along this journey, I'll definitely have opportunities to talk it out and walk the process of grief.  My God is big enough to handle whatever I may feel about Him or say to Him in that process.

But know that you do not stand on shaky ground.  And however shaky you might feel, there is a Truth bigger than how you and I feel.  We are wrapped up in a love that does NOT fail.  A LOVE that is NOT shaken by tragedy, by loss, by sickness, or by death. And from that love....from THAT love, springs HOPE.

Song from Hillsong Young & Free -  Love Goes On
http://youtu.be/0mBm_Fy0Dro

Endure.

EXHAUSTION.

Such a strong word.

But behind it's meaning....such fragility.

I see sweat, tears, pain, aching muscles, tired legs, worn feet, rough hands, empty eyes.

I feel nothing.

It's to this point of exertion that I am numb, without feeling, emotion, responsibility.

Nothing registers.

How dangerous....

But I feel as if I could wander for days amidst this lack of substance.  I am so worn that I have blended into the mix. On autopilot.  

I no longer see the boundary, the finish line, it is long gone.

I see no reason in rest.

No justification in ceasing.

No benefit to discontinue the next step forward.

How long will it last?

I cannot sleep, for fear of the terror that awaits my subconscious.

The agonizing terrors of my inner most fears that only awaken should I retire my last defense.

The screams, and the darkness that haunt the one place I have left as my comfort; my only source of stability, reason, and motivation; continue to poison me. 

I fall.....and fall, and tug at all I have left to save me, but to no avail.

Still I fall. 

Unsure as to when I'll reach the bottom.

Or what lies at the ends of this depth.

I find no comfort in eating.

I consume less and less every day.

It worries me, but I can only force myself so much before I become nauseated. 

It frustrates me so.

I have nothing to fuel me, and so much remains to be done.

Alone time is what hurts the most.

I see to waste away in the emptiness.

I sometimes think better in the company of others. 

I cannot remove my concentration from my surroundings unless I feel safe.

And sometimes I do not feel safe alone. 

No one else desires company in the ways I do

So I deal with solitude as best as I can, but unfortunately I can only last so long at this point.

I'm not sure what makes me so fragile.

I can't explain where my strengths lie waiting.

It only takes so much for them to be exposed. 

And yet it takes so little to send them retreating back behinds my doubts.

My goal is the be the person I am, when I feel safe, all the time. 

I shouldn't change based on my surroundings.

I am strong enough.

Self-doubt has set me in terrible circumstances thus far.

Why continue?

Here I go.

Step one....

How long will I last?